Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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