i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
