How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
