Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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