I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
