my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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