I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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