i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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