dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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