So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
