i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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