I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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