He disabled his match.com account in front of me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
