someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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