Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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