Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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