I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
