Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize