THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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