A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
