I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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