Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
