Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
