She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
