just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
