Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
