We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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