I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
