To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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