how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
