I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
