I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just threw up on my dentist
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
