he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
