I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
