and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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