I'm gonna have a badass scar
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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