mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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