Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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