I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
