Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize