i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
