guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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