I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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