Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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