I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
