Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
