Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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