your parents love me but you hate me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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