Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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