I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
