Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
