I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
