i don't like sucking hair
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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