explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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