If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
