I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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